Harry Potter and the TwentySided Die
by Ranthrock
Summary: Ron introduces Harry and crew to a new game.  Hilarity ensues.   not slash


_Author's Note: These characters and setting belong to J.K. Rowling. _

_Please let me know if you decide to stage this play._

_More from me at my tumblr page at .com/_

_Harry Potter and the Twenty-Sided Die_

_by Ranthrock_

_Setting: Hogwarts. Gryffindor common room, a dimly lit table. Saturday, 7:00._

_Scene One_

_Harry and Ron are sitting at the table. Ron begins to take large, thin books out of his satchel, along with a clickity-clackiting velvet bag. He begins to spread parchment and ink on the table next to the books and velvet bag._

Harry: Okay, Ron, so where did you get this game, again?

Ron: I told you, my dad brought it home a few years ago from the muggle world and wanted us to try it out. Me and Fred and George used to play it all the time. Percy thought it was stupid, though, that twit. You really have never heard of it, before? It is a muggle thing, after all.

Harry: Nope, never. What was the point of it again?

Ron: I told you Harry, you pretend like you're a hero and you go kill monsters and stuff. There're dungeons to explore, princesses to save, and treasure to loot!

Harry: But don't we already do that sort of thing?

Ron: Right, but in the game you get to be someone else.

Harry: Like who?

Ron: Well, you could be a mighty warrior or a brave archer or even a magic-user!

Harry: But we're already magic-users. _(Harry pulls out his wand and shoots a lightning bolt from it)_ See?

Ron: But this is a _game_, Harry. You get to pretend like you're a hero. You know, go explore creepy dungeons, save the damsel in distress, find magical items. Then return to a city where everyone welcomes you!

Harry: I just did all of that last week. There was that spooky snake in the basement and I killed it, rescued your sister, got that sword thingy, and then we had that big dinner in my honor. Remember?

Ron: That's not the point, Harry. This is all make-believe. Haven't you always wanted to be someone else that was a little more heroic?

Harry: Like who? I mean, I'm pretty heroic as it is. Remember that time that I found the Sorcerer's stone and defeated that one dude with the turban? That was awesome.

Ron: Yes, yes, Harry, we all remember how awesome you are.

Harry: And don't we already get to sneak through dungeons and stuff already? I mean, we live in a bloody castle, for goodness sake.

Ron: But wouldn't it be nice for a change to do something else? I mean, instead of using magic, you could pretend to be a mighty warrior and slay a dragon with a magical sword!

Harry: Hello? Basilisk? Sword of Godric Gryffindor?

Ron: Well, yeah, I suppose.

Harry: I mean, really Ron, why would anyone want to play a game like this?

Ron: It's fun. Really, just give it a chance.

Harry: I don't really see why a teenage wizard would want to pretend like he's a teenage warrior.

Ron: But you're not a teenager.

Harry: Wait, what?

Ron: You'd be an adult warrior.

Harry: Oh.

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: So, wait, I could do grown-up stuff?

Ron: Yeah, you know go rescue princesses and stuff.

Harry: And _other _stuff to the princesses, too, right?

Ron: Sure, but why would you want to? Girls are gross.

Harry: So I could just pretend to go to pubs and brothels and get drunk and snog slutty chicks?

Ron: Well, yeah, but you'd also get to fight monsters and, uh, loot treasure chests...

Harry: Wait, hold on a second. Is that a naked woman on the cover of that book?

Ron: Yeah, that's Princess Azurial. She's been captured by the evil hobgoblins. You go rescue her in this one adventure.

Harry: And she's naked?

Ron: Well, yeah, they tie her up and stuff. You go rescue her.

Harry: Do I get to do her?

Ron: Uh, well, I'm not sure. You'd probably have to make a check.

Harry: A check? Like pay her money?

Ron: No, like you have skills with different values, and you roll a die to see if you pass your skill check or not.

Harry: And then I get to do her?

Ron: Well, yeah, I guess so. But the real reward is that she gives you a map to the Chasm of Riches.

Harry: I'm gonna chasm her riches. Okay, so what do I have to do first to go shag this chick? Am I in a pub or something?

Ron: Sure, but first you need to roll...

Harry: I'm totally getting drunk. Not on stupid butterbeer. On real beer.

Ron: First you need to make up your character.

Harry: Okay, I'm a genius warrior wizard who looks like Orlando Bloom. I have six arms and breathe fire. Also, my wanker is huge.

Ron: No, no. You need to roll the dice to see what your character is like. The whole point is that there's a sense of randomness and chance to the game.

Harry: Fine. So what do I need to do?

Ron: I'll write everything down for you, you just roll the dice that I tell you to.

_Ron empties out the contents of the velvet bag onto the table. Polyhedral dice of different sizes and colors pour out._

Harry: Holy crap, Ron. That's a lot of dice.

Ron: Yeah, well, the people who play this game kind of collect them.

Harry: Why are they all funny shapes?

Ron: They have different numbers of sides. Like a four-sided die has...

Harry: A four-sided dice?

Ron: Die.

Harry: What?

Ron: It's one die. More than one would be dice.

Harry: Whatever. What am supposed to be rolling?

Ron: First you need to roll for your attributes.

Harry: My what?

Ron: Your attributes. Like how strong you are, how smart you are, how good looking you are, and so on.

Harry: How big my wanker is?

Ron: (_sighs_) No. You can pick the size of your wanker.

Harry: Great. So what do I roll?

Ron: Here (_passes three six-sided dice over to Harry_). Roll these three dice and add them up. That's how strong you are. (_Harry rolls the dice_) Okay, so what did you get?

Harry: Uh, three sixes. Is that good?

Ron: Yeah, that's really good. You're really strong.

Harry: Great. What's next?

Ron: Now roll for your Dexterity. That's how nimble and stuff you are.

Harry: (_after rolling_). Great! I rolled another eighteen!

Ron: Wow! That's amazing! You're like an Olympic athlete or something. Now roll for your constitution. That's how tough and healthy you are.

Harry: (_rolls the dice_) Look! Another eighteen!

Ron: _(pauses a second and looks at Harry and the dice)_ Um, Harry, what's in your hand?

Harry: _(Holds up his downstage hand)_ Uh, nothing, Ron, why?

Ron: No. Your other hand—the one under the table. _(Harry slowly holds up his other arm, which is holding his wand)_ I knew it! You're cheating!

Harry: Relax, Ron, I was only having a bit of fun.

Ron: Harry, this is serious! The dice are serious! You can't just go mucking about with them or everything would be complete chaos!

Harry: Jeez, Ron, you sound like Hermione, what with all the rules and everything. It's just a game.

Ron: That's the point, Harry! Games have rules and you're not supposed to break them because otherwise the games wouldn't be any fun.

Harry: _(After a pause)_ Okay, look, Ron, I'm sorry. Here, I'll roll for real from now on.

Ron: Okay. Fine. You need to roll for your intelligence. (_Harry rolls the dice on the table. Ron looks down at the result)_ Seriously? Another 18? You've got to be kidding me! You're using magic again, Harry!

Harry: No, no, look, my wand is on the table. I can't do magic without my wand. You know that.

Ron: (_sighs_) Fine. I guess you're just lucky. Let me see those dice. (_Ron picks up the dice and rolls them, looking at the result_) Three ones. Fine. The dice aren't loaded. Okay, roll for Wisdom and Charisma.

Harry: You're sure you want me to roll again? I seem to be on a bit of a hot streak.

Ron: Yes, Harry, just roll the dice.

Harry: _(rolls the dice) _16. See, I'm not cheating.

Ron: Fine. Roll for Charisma now.

Harry: What's Charisma?

Ron: It's supposed to be how good you are at convincing people at things; you know, persuasive and what-not. But everyone really just thinks of it as how attractive you are.

Harry: Sure. _(rolls the dice)_ Ha-ha! Another 18. My character is shaping up a lot like me.

Ron: Whatever. Okay, now that you've rolled your stats, you need to decide on a class.

Harry: What's that? Like potions?

Ron: No, not like potions.

Harry: Because I hate potions. Stupid Snape.

Ron: No. Like class. Like what you do. Like fighter, magic-user, thief. You know. Like a profession.

Harry: Can I be a Quidditch player?

Ron: No, that's not really a class.

Harry: But I've got a really high Strength and Dexterity and stuff. That should make me an excellent beater.

Ron: But that's not one of the classes. Here, look at this page _(he opens up the book and hands it to Harry)_. You have to pick one of these classes.

Harry: _(Looking over the page in the book)_ A clerk! Why would anyone want to be a clerk? Mucking about in some stupid office all day. What a snooze fest.

Ron: Uh, it's pronounced cler-ic. It's like a priest.

Harry: A priest?

Ron: Yeah.

Harry: So like Jesus is in the game?

Ron: What's a Jesus?

Harry: He's a muggle god who rose from the the dead. Priests in the muggle world worship him. Mostly they just sing songs and talk at you.

Ron: No, not that kind of priest. It's kind of like a wizard that heals people.

Harry: So instead of killing all the monsters, he just heals you?

Ron: Yeah, pretty much, although it's pretty good against the living dead.

Harry: Right. Like Jesus. I thought you said Jesus wasn't in this game.

Ron: He's not. Look, just don't be a cleric.

Harry: And these rangers talk to trees and hug animals?

Ron: Yeah, actually that's pretty much right. Usually they shoot monsters with a bow. Or if they're wearing light or no armor then they can dual wield as long as the off-hand weapon is light.

Harry: Right. This seems kind of confusing. Why don't you just pick one for me?

Ron: Or...you could let the dice decide. Roll one of the d-8's.

Harry: The what?

Ron: A D-8. One of the eight sided-dice.

Harry: Which one is that?

Ron: The one with eight sides. Honestly, Harry, you're being a bit thick today.

Harry: Fine. _(Picks up one of the dice and rolls it) _I got a nine...

Ron: _(Laughs)_ Here: use this one _(slides a die across the table. Harry rolls it)_. A one. Okay, we'll just make you a fighter. That's the easiest.

Harry: Sure, whatever.

Ron: What did you want your name to be?

Harry: How about Harry?

Ron: Real original. No, no, you need to pick a cool-sounding name like Blagthor or Richtomar!

Harry: Okay, how about Hagrid, that sounds scary.

Ron: No, you can't name yourself after a real person unless it's a historical figure.

Harry: Okay, how about Godric, then? Like Godric Gryffindor?

Ron: Sounds good. Now pick some kind of title to make your guy sound cool.

Harry: Huh?

Ron: You know, like Blagthor the Bad or Richtomar the Red.

Harry: I got it! _(Scribbles on the paper and shows it to Ron)._

Ron: "Godric the Big-Wankered." Fine.

Harry: Pretty good, right?

Ron: Sure. Okay, now we need to pick your race.

Harry: I want to be a black dude!

Ron: No, not like that kind of race, like whether you're a human, elf, dwarf...

Harry: Elves? Like house elves?

Ron: Kind of, elves are a little different in this game.

Harry: Different than real elves?

Ron: Yeah, I guess when you put it that way, it sounds kind of dumb. It was invented by muggles though, and they don't really know about elves.

Harry: Hmm, I don't want to play Dobby. What was my other choice?

Ron: Well, you could be a dwarf.

Harry: A dwarf? Like a little person?

Ron: No, um, kind of like a short guy who's really strong and muscular with a big beard.

Harry: Oh, like the guys in Snow White?

Ron: What's a Snow White?

Harry: Never mind, it's a muggle fairy tale. Okay, I know what you're talking about. Dwarf doesn't sound good either. What else is there?

Ron: Halfling, Half-Orc, Half-Elf...

Harry: Wait, what's a half-elf?

Ron: It's when an elf and a human have a baby.

Harry: You mean like Hermione and Dobby? I bet she does have a baby with one of those things one day she loves them so much.

Ron: Right, uh, kind of like that.

Harry: No, gross. What's a half-line?

Ron. Half_ling_. It's like a small human.

Harry: Like a little person?

Ron: No, just a short person. Same proportions, just smaller. Maybe a little fat.

Harry: Oh, like in Lord of the Rings?

Ron: Lord of the what? Who would want to rule a bunch of rings?

Harry: Sorry, another muggle thing for nerds. Really, you should acquaint yourself with some of this stuff, Ron.

Ron: Whatever. Which race did you want to be?

Harry: Why don't I just stick to being a human?

Ron. Sure, sounds great. So you're a human fighter.

Harry: I guess.

Ron: Oh, since you're a fighter, you get a higher strength. Roll this _(Ron takes out a large die that looks like a golf ball and rolls it to Harry)_.

Harry: What the hell is this?

Ron: It's a D-100. It's got one hundred sides.

Harry: Big whoop. What do I do with it?

Ron: Roll it; we'll use that to change your Strength score.

Harry: Okay _(rolls it)_. I got a double zero.

Ron: Of course you did.

Harry: Is that good?

Ron: Yes, Harry, that was good. Next we need to do your alignment.

Harry: My align-what?

Ron: Your alignment. How you see the world. Like whether you're good or evil.

Harry: I can be evil?

Ron: Sure. It's an imaginary game; you can do whatever you want.

Harry: I want to be evil then.

Ron: Okay, do you want to be lawful-evil, neutral-evil, or chaotic-evil?

Harry: What's the difference?

Ron: Lawful and chaotic are kind of like your attitude towards rules. Do you want your character to believe in following the rules or in doing whatever he thinks is best.

Harry: Whatever I think is best.

Ron: Okay, you picked Chaotic Evil, so you're a bad guy who just goes around doing whatever you want.

Harry: Ha ha! Great. When do I go get to drink beer and do chicks?

Ron: Not yet. First we need to purchase all of your equipment. Now, you'll want to make sure that you buy some iron rations and a ten-foot pole in case you need to check for traps and such. Also, probably a grappling hook and a tinder box, even though I don't really know what that is.

Harry: Wait, so when do we actually get to play?

Ron: Oh, it'll take another few hours just to finish your character. Isn't this fun?

Harry: Sure, Ron. It's a blast.

_End of Scene One._


End file.
